Bump in the Night

It's more like CRASH in the night here. Crash, boom, bam, leveling everything in its path the MonSter comes to call. Nobody has ever accused him of being polite. But darn, I wish he'd learn to tread a little lighter on me, and on the many others I know who have the same MonSter within.

This unwelcome and unknown visitor frightens me. I've had many frights in my life, many of the real variety way past the monsters in the closet of childhood. Unfortunately they have all been way too real with dire consequences of their visits. But I dealt with each and every one of them with my bullet-biting determination to just plow on by it and get on with life. You see, with all the other frights, at least there was an end.

MS frightens me because it is never-ending. No matter what I do, how many ways I attempt to fool this bloody MonSter he is still inside of me. I can't say he is sometimes invisible to others because in my case this has never been. Since the beginning of my symptoms, my early exacerbations have left me missing something of myself. Sometimes it's been in small degrees, other times a great big chunk of something is gone! Bits and pieces of myself lost in places I can't find them.

MS frightens me because of what it could do in the future. The most frightening fear since I started looking into the illness to find out what was ahead has been the fear of loss of cognitive ability. Perhaps I've already lost some, and once in awhile someone tells me I'm not as quick as I used to be in replying, or responding to something. That's when I just refuse to believe it's true and pull that blanket over my head and pretend that will never happen to this gal. No, never me!

The MonSter frightens me when I am alone with nobody to hold me. I wonder why everyone has decided I no longer need a supportive hug. I wonder if this alone feeling will only get worse as I get worse. I even look in the mirror and wonder when I became so untouchable, so undesirable, so much less than what I once was. I am afraid thinking I face the rest of my life with no one to hold me and comfort me.

The MonSter frightens me when he steals away another MSer. This month it was MJ. Yet the doctors told us MS is not a fatal disease. Are they lying to us? What's up with this? What's the difference what you call it, MS or complications due to MS? Dead is still dead, isn't it.

Am I always as down and afraid as I appear in this article? No, I'm not because there is too much living I still want to do. Yes, I'll always wish it was better, there's no changing that. I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. I will always want something to come along to make my life with MS more tolerable, and I'll try anything I'm given the opportunity to try.

I'm in this fight till the bitter end. I may never defeat this MonSter, but I will die trying to do just that. MonSter, you may win in the end, but I promise you you'll wear some bruises to remind you that you went toe to toe with Car!

Reach Car by email to comment: reynolds@psci.net or car@msmusings.com

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