What I Have to Be versus What I Want to Be

By Stephen Baron

We are governed by two realities, what we have to be, and what we want to be. The first is inescapable. I learned this painful lesson at a young age. Growing up in the ‘60s with when long, straight, blonde hair swept across the forehead was fashionable, I had to live with a mass of curls. Further, when I realized that I’d never grow taller than 5’ 6’’, I had to reconcile myself to never having a career as a professional basketball player. Rats! I was crushed. But physical limitations are things over which we have no control and have to learn to live with.

I look upon MS in much the same way. Yes, I’m a cripple, a quadriplegic to be exact. Make no mistake about it. The list of things I can’t do, far exceeds those things I can do. Do I like it? Not a bit. I loathe needing someone to dress, feed, and toilet me. Sure, you can call me handicapped, physically challenged, or whatever makes you feel better, but it won’t change my condition at all.

But I don’t want people to think "cripple" when they see me. Here is where things are entirely in my control. To put it directly, speaking to all MS sufferers: we shouldn’t allow what we have to be to control what we want to be. This is the great challenge before us.

I want to be remembered as a loving father, husband, and brother, distinctly human qualities. I also want to be known as a loyal friend, a challenging teacher, and a fine author.. These things in my reach despite having a crippled body. It is not for me to judge whether I’ve succeeded at any of these, but I keep trying.

Is this a realistic approach? Why not let MS be the focus of my life? Consider: Have you ever seen a headstone in a cemetery that read, "Here lies a good cripple?" Or an obituary that read, "She was successful in business?" Of course not.

People are best remembered for the great human qualities they embody. Friendship, love, loyalty, caring, to name just a few. All of them are within our reach.