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SEI (Strat Enterprises Inc.)
By Sarkis A Slyman (Strat)
I was not certain what I would write about this month as for as this column was concerned, but thanks to my local Fox network they sort of threw this idea right on my lap. They did a story on the St. Louis National Monument, The Gateway Arch. For anyone who is not familiar with our Monument, The Gateway Arch is just what it says, an arch made of steel with an outer skin of stainless steel that is 630 feet tall and represents St. Louis as the Gateway to the West. It seems they are trying to come up with an idea for a drastic update to The Gateway Arch and its grounds to keep people here longer in St. Louis. Just so you know, visitors are able to ride to the top of the Arch in Tram Cars where they can look out windows and see the St. Louis landscape, the Mississippi River which is virtually next to it, and also The State of Illinois which is on the other side of the river.
The news Channel not only showed a picture of the Arch but also all of the property between the legs of the Arch that was made up of open fields of grass. Good ol Strat took one look at the TV and listened to the city's dilemma and instantly got a brainstorm of an ideal. I ran my idea across the mind of my fiancé and she had an idea of her own. My idea was for building a giant slingshot out of the arch and aiming projectiles at the good old state of Illinois. Her idea was that they open the top of the Arch up to bungee jumpers. I combined both of those ideas into one tremendous one.
Strapped around the lower portion of The Arch could be a gigantic rubber band stretched by hydraulics which are located in that big grassy area. Since the fourth of July celebration has to be moved because of all the flooding on the Mississippi River and the celebration includes barges anchored in the river containing fireworks, I have decided on generating fireworks of my own.
Here is my fantastic idea. First of all the projectiles from my slingshot will be napalm bombs. Illinois wants to really build up their riverfront as well and right now it is pretty much in disrepair. Railroad tracks run all through it as well as dilapidated housing. But I can solve all that. I will indeed establish bungee jumping from the top of the arch for a mere $50 per person per jump. That money can go to the cost of the napalm and the hydraulics. Randomly, approximately 8 times a day without warning my giant slingshot will be released. If a person is in the process of a jump when my slingshot suddenly goes off one of three things will most likely occur.
If a person is below the massive projectile upon its impact the person will most likely be plunged into the river. All bungee jumpers will be equipped with both parachutes and life jackets and also a guarantee of anywhere from a $500,000 to a $1 million life insurance policy in case they happen to encounter the second possibility; becoming part of the massive projectile. If this happens, then there will be no use for using either the parachute or a life jacket. If their contact does not bring an immediate expiration to their life by the force of the mighty projectile I guarantee there will be an immediate expiration upon impact. This is the reason every jumper will have available to them a life insurance policy that contains a sum of money that is in direct proportion to their point of impact. If they happen to miss land and end up in the river their families or designated beneficiaries will receive no more than the $500,000. If however their point of impact occurs anywhere on the Illinois Riverfront their beneficiaries will receive $700,000; if impact occurs on railroad tracks and $1 million if they are fortunate in eliminating at least one dilapidated building.
The third possibility will be if said jumper is above the impact of said release of the slingshot. If this occurs they will automatically have the choice of either parachuting to the ground expeditiously or being slowly raised back up to the top of the Arch. If by some slim chance their bungee cord is struck by the slingshot on its return and they are plunged helplessly back into the St. Louis side of the ground and perish instantly they will be awarded a $200,000 life insurance policy as long as they do not land in a manner that causes damage to civilians or buildings.
I do have to add one other award for the second possibility. If a person and their accompanying napalm bomb goes further than the river, the Illinois River Front or the city of East St. Louis, Illinois, their benefactors will receive a pay off of $1 million plus an additional $10,000 for every additional 2500 feet traveled. Once a year the beneficiaries of the person who traveled forward the furthest in the previous year will receive an additional $500,000.
You see, once again the fabulous Corporation known as SEI has solved a problem. A slingshot using the Gateway Arch and its grounds and a possible solution to every person even remotely contemplating suicide.* What greater thrill could there possibly be than bungee jumping off such a tall and prestigious National Monument? If this is not enough to think of consider the mental pleasure of risk-taking involved. Can you possibly imagine anything more thrilling or daring?
Now who says I’m not a born genius?
PS: If you think my ideas for the Gateway Arch are the signs of a great mind at work just think of my plan for the Washington Monument and the new meaning of self colon examinations. Washington already shoves it to the American people anyway, so why not make good use of their monument?
* Since most insurance companies including those of SEI and it’s fine subsidiaries consider suicide to be non-insurable and henceforth not financially payable, the right to look at any insurance claim for even the slightest possibility of suicidal tendencies shall be strictly enforced. To think of this in a manner that virtually every person can understand; if the medical insurance companies are able to easily deny many claims why shouldn’t life insurance companies be given the same benefit?
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