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Playing this page: Ain't
Misbehavin'
Bringing Us Some of the Best
from the Net!
Thanks
As we come to the end of another year - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I have faithfully read the stories e-mails and seen your videos of how country is slipping so much closer to inevitable socialist takeover run by illegal aliens fueled by our free press media with more money than God.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years..
I can't touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and multiple saints Novenas have granted my every wish.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
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Computer
Problem
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As
we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our
computers. I
had a problem yesterday, so I called
Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose
bedroom looks like Mission Control, and
asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and
solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after
him, 'So, what was wrong ? He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but
nonetheless enquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In
case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned....
'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error before ?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.' So I wrote
down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little
bastard.
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A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'...
She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.
So , as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.
Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.
1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate and beer!*
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Quiz for Bright People
There are only nine questions.
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers..
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside:Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART; Today is National Mental Health Day.
You can do your part by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one mentally-challenged person.
Well, my job's done!
Just don't send it back to me. I've already flunked it once
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Sayings
Subject: (no subject)
Sometimes, when I
look at my children, I say to
myself, 'Lillian, you should have
remained a virgin.'
- Lillian
Carter (mother of Jimmy
Carter )
<><>
I had a
rose named after me and I
was very flattered. But I
was not pleased to read
the description in the
catalogue: - 'No good in a
bed, but fine against a
wall.'
- Eleanor
Roosevelt
<><>
Last week,
I stated this woman was
the ugliest woman I had
ever seen. I have since
been visited by her
sister, and now wish to
withdraw that statement.
- Mark
Twain
<><>
The secret
of a good sermon is to
have a good beginning and
a good ending; and to have
the two as close together
as possible.
- George
Burns
<><>
Santa Claus
has the right idea. Visit
people only once a year.
- Victor
Borge
<><>
Be careful
about reading health
books. You may die of a
misprint.
- Mark
Twain
<><>
By all
means, marry. If you get a
good wife, you'll become
happy; if you get a bad
one, you'll become a
philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was
married by a judge. I
should have asked for a
jury.
- Groucho
Marx
<><>
My wife has
a slight impediment in her
speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy
Durante
<><>
I have
never hated a man enough
to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa
Gabor
<><>
Only Irish
coffee provides in a
single glass all four
essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar
and fat.
- Alex
Levine
<><>
My luck is
so bad that if I bought a
cemetery, people would
stop dying.
- Rodney
Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't
buy you happiness .... But
it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery.
- Spike
Milligan
<><>
Until I
was thirteen, I thought my
name was SHUT UP .
- Joe
Namath
<><>
I don't
feel old. I don't feel
anything until noon. Then
it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never
drink water because of the
disgusting things that
fish do in it.
- W. C.
Fields
<><>
We could
certainly slow the aging
process down if it had to
work its way through
Congress.
- Will
Rogers
<><>
Don't worry
about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will
avoid you.
- Winston
Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's
true that life begins at
fifty .. But everything
else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis
Diller
<><>
By the time
a man is wise enough to
watch his step, he's too
old to go anywhere.
- Billy
Crystal
<><>
And the
cardiologist's diet: If it
tastes good, spit it out.
May your
troubles be less, may your
blessings be more, and
May nothing
but happiness come through
your door.
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Test your knowledge
I RECEIVED A 60%
This test is not supposed to
be an easy one. The website reports that avg. score was 49% and college
professors average about 55%.
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As
I've aged, I've become
kinder to myself, and less
critical of myself. I've
become my own friend..
I have seen too many dear
friends leave this world
too soon; before they
understood the great
freedom that comes with
aging.
Whose business is it if I
choose to read or play on
the computer until 4 AM
or sleep until noon? I
will dance with myself to
those wonderful tunes of
the 60 &70's, and if I, at
the same time, wish to
weep over a lost love .. I
will.
I will walk the beach in a
swim suit that is
stretched over a bulging
body, and will dive into
the waves with abandon if
I choose to, despite the
pitying glances from the
jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes
forgetful. But there
again, some of life is
just as well forgotten.
And I eventually remember
the important things.
Sure, over the years my
heart has been broken. How
can your heart not break
when you lose a loved one,
or when a child suffers,
or even when somebody's
beloved pet gets hit by a
car? But broken hearts
are what give us strength
and understanding and
compassion. A heart never
broken is pristine and
sterile and will never
know the joy of being
imperfect.
I am
so blessed to have lived
long enough to have my
hair turning gray, and to
have my youthful laughs be
forever etched into deep
grooves on my face.
So many have never
laughed, and so many have
died before their hair
could turn silver.
As you get older, it is
easier to be positive. You
care less about what
other people think. I
don't question myself
anymore..
I've even earned the right
to be wrong.
So, to answer your
question, I like being
old. It has set me free. I
like the person I have
become. I am not going to
live forever,
but while I am still here,
I will not waste time
lamenting what could have
been, or worrying about
what will be. And I shall
eat dessert every single
day (if I feel like it).
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER
COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN
IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE
HEART!
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-----Olympic
Synchronized Swimming.
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Use Your Brain
> I've seen this with the letters out of
order, but this is the first time
> I've seen it with numbers, F1gur471v3ly
5p34k1ng?
> Good example of a Brain Study: If you
can read this you have a strong
> mind:
>
> 7H15 M3554G3
> 53RV35 7O PR0V3
> H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
> D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
> 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
> 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
> 17 WA5 H4RD BU7
> N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
> Y0UR M1ND 1S
> R34D1NG 17
> 4U70M471C4LLY
> W17H 0U7 3V3N
> 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
> B3 PROUD! 0NLY
> C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
> R3AD 7H15.
> PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
> U C4N R34D 7H15.
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TRUTHS
&
WISDOM
OF
THE
GAME
~BY
THE
EXPERTS~
Gentlemen,
it is better to have died a small boy........than to fumble THIS
football"
 John Heisman
"Show me a good and gracious
loser.......and I'll show you a failure."
Knute Rockne /Notre
Dame
"I make my practices real hard ........because if a
player is a quitter.....I want him to quit in practice, not in a
game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama
"It isn't necessary to see a
good tackle.....You can hear it!
Knute Rockne / Notre
Dame
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat.......That
costs money and we don't have any."
Erk Russell / Georgia
Southern.
"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are
eternal. Nevertheless, beat Texas ."
Seen on a church sign in
Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
"After you retire, there's
only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that."
Bobby Bowden /
Florida State
"The man who complains about the way the ball
bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
Lou Holtz /
Arkansas - Norte Dame
"When you win, nothing hurts."
Joe Namath /
Alabama
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are
not motivated."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Norte Dame
"If you want to
walk the heavenly streets of gold.......you gotta know the password,
"Roll, tide, roll!"
Bear Bryant / Alabama
"A school without football
is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
Frank
Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like
getting the hell kicked out of you."
Woody Hayes / Ohio
State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on
NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an
investigation."
Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama , an atheist
is.........someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts /
Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there
for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
Alex Karras / Iowa
"My
advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and
arrive in a bad humor."
Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have
been a Rhodes Scholar.......except for my grades."
Duffy Daugherty
/ Michigan State
"Always remember .....Goliath was a 40 point
favorite over David."
Shug Jordan / Auburn
"They cut us up like
boarding house pie.......And that's real small pieces."
Darrell Royal /
Texas
"They whipped us like a tied up goat."
Spike
Dykes / Texas Tech
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas
Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a
look at you and you weren't any good."
Walt Garrison / Oklahoma
State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands
aren't on the steering wheel."
Bobby Bowden / Florida
State
"Football is NOT a contact sport - it is a
collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan
State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game
message to his team: "All those who need showers... take them."
John
McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat.............our
team is getting a great education."
Murray Warmath /
Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be
big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne /
Notre Dame
"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard
puke this afternoon."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"We live one day
at a time and scratch where it itches."
Darrell Royal /
Texas
"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it
by not blocking."
John McKay / USC
"Three things can happen
when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad ."
Darrell Royal /
University of Texas
"I've found that prayers work best ........when you
have big players."
Knute Rockne
I
Think I like Rockne's the Best.
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Did
you ever wonder why there
are no dead penguins on the
ice in Antarctica – where do
they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the
penguin is a very
ritualistic
bird which lives an
extremely ordered and
complex life.
The penguin is very
committed
to its family and will mate
for life, as well as
maintain a form of
compassionate contact with
its offspring throughout its
life.
If a penguin is found dead
on the ice surface, other
members of the family and
social circle have been
known to dig holes in the
ice, using their vestigial
wings and beaks, until the
hole is deep enough for the
dead bird to be rolled into,
and buried.
The male penguins then
gather in a circle around
the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good
fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good
fellow."
Then, they kick him in the
ice hole.
You really
didn't believe that I know
anything about penguins, did
you?
It's so easy to fool
OLD
people.
I am sorry, the devil
made me do it!!!
I fell for it, too.
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I regret I have only one wife to give to my country.
Well, I decided to check Newt's quote and I found
this copendium of other not so famous quotes.
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Reach Jay by email to comment:
julianoj007@aol.com
Jay is in our
Gallery!
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